You Shouldn't Shoot Skunks Under the House

There are things you learn in life, and things you shouldn't have to learn. I think this story falls into the latter category. It's another one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" things, like driving into the river mentioned in one of my previous posts. Anyway, here's how it went as best as I can remember.

We lived in a big house on a ranch in the country in western Oregon. Now, for those of you that have enjoyed rural living, you are probably well acquainted with the critters in nature that live there with you. I mean after all, their grandparents probably lived there for uncounted generations before your house was built. They probably sat around watching the neighborhood grow, and if they were like the rest of us, they waited until the workers left for the day and then walked through what was soon to be a completed house (I hope I'm not the only one who does that). Well, our house had been there for a few years by this time, but that didn't mean we had any fewer wildlife visitors. Seems there was quite often deer, quail, possums, raccoons, snakes, and of course the ever present skunks.

When I was in junior high we were relocating the water heater and had to re-route the supply lines under the house. The timing for doing this was such that my sister Susan and Mom had gone for the last part of spring break to stay with another sister that lived in Portland. Since it was just going to be Dad and I at home for the rest of the week, it seemed like a good time to do some remodeling. Looking back now, it seems that when we were the only ones home is when Dad and I usually got in the most trouble. I think that gets passed from generation to generation. At least my family would probably say so. Anyway.... we had crawled under the house to do the pipe work. It was muddy under there. The spring rains had soaked into the ground and the way that part of the house was situated, during the rainy season there was always some run-off from the hill behind the house that found its way into the crawl space. This meant it was cool, damp, full of spiders, and of course only enough room to scoot along on your stomach or back, wiggling through the mud. After doing some things under the house that afternoon, we quit for the day, leaving the crawl space cover off. Mistake #1.

The next day while under the house, Dad and I got wind of a very familiar smell. From the title of this post you can probably guess what it was. Being "farm folk" we had been exposed to this smell over the years on accident. This time was different. We were crawling head first into a black hole,.......the black hole of spiders, snakes, worms and now skunks. I remember thinking that what we smelled was just what the skunks had left behind, kind of like you can tell when a wet dog had briefly snuck in the door. They are not there, but you can tell they had been.

We had flash lights with us, since we were under the house about 30 feet or so where there was no light. To get there was a maze. We had to crawl into the hole, make a 90 degree turn to the left, shimmy about 5 feet, turn 90 degrees to the right, slide in the mud about 20 feet, turn 90 degrees left, slide again about 5 feet, then turn right and wiggle about 8 feet to where the pipes would go through the floor. This process took all of 5 minutes, longer when you stopped to look at the spider that was looking at you just before the light went dead.

Well, there we were, at the end of the maze, drilling holes in the floor while the faint but unmistakable fragrance of skunk filled the stale air under the house. While Dad was drilling, I took the opportunity to flash my light around the black hole we were in. Across the width of the house, and looking across the bottom of the floor joists, I could see multiple spider webs, shiny slug trails, beetle carcasses, and a shed snake skin. Down the length of the house parallel with the joists, I could see much further, and more spider webs, slug trails, bugs hanging in webs, and 3 sets of eyes sparkling in the flashlight beam. Each of these sets of eyes was separated down the middle by a white stripe. Being a pretty sharp kid, I remembered that the white stripe and the ever present odor went hand in hand. We had company in the black hole.

There is a moment that comes in life where you have a choice to make. Like if you are going to run out of gas, should you drive slower to make it last?, or drive faster to get there before you run out?. The choice here was do we play Mexican Standoff and see who twitches first, or get the heck out of Dodge, risking a confrontation that we would probably lose. Now Dad, I knew from experience, was pretty effective at making your eyes water. But I don't think the skunks knew that, so leaving Dodge was the more prudent of options. I was, surprisingly, able to get Dad's attention without causing too much excitement among our new friends. That is until we headed for the opening. At that point Dad was about the same age as me today. But no way could I move as fast today as he did then. It was a scramble for the light, the square opening at the end of the maze, a scramble to safety and fresh air. A race between Dad and me would have been fine, but this was a race between Dad, me and 3 sets of eyes. And they had racing stripes !!!

Well, this story isn't about having a close call that day with the skunks. This is about what came next. As we talked about what to do next, the main concern was to get the skunks out from under the house. Over the course of the week we tried several tactics, including putting cat food at the opening with the intent of closing the cover when they came out. The main problem with this is that skunks come out at night, and hide during the day. The plan didn't work. And the cats ate the food. This became mistake #2.

Desperation set in. It was Saturday of spring break and Mom and my Sister Susan were coming home on Sunday. We had to get the water heater project done before they got home, which meant we had to get the skunks out. The discussion turned to "if they were shot, would they spray?'. This was the beginning of mistake #3.

Dad always thought I was a good shot with the 22 rifle. It was a great rifle, a Winchester pump, and at that close range of about 20 feet I didn't see how I could miss. We crawled back under the house and prepared to do the deed. Funny how when you get frustrated you always look for a bigger stick, figuratively speaking. Having a 22 rifle I guess we figured we had the weapon of mass destruction. And after all, we were men with a rifle........ what could go wrong?
Ahhhhhh.... Mistake #3.

As dad held the light and I leveled my sights on the first set of eyes I remember thinking "how am I going to hit all three with one shot?". Well...... I didn't have to think for long, or fire a shot for that matter. It soon became obvious that the skunks had a plan too. As I was about to pull the trigger, the lead skunk charged toward the light, mouth open, hissing and chattering loudly. Imagine if you will, laying on your stomach in the mud in a very cramped position, unable to move quickly in any direction, having a screaming skunk charging at you through the darkness from 20 feet away. The last thing I wanted to do was start shooting. I wish the skunk had felt the same way. There was no way I could get out of his way, or Dad's either. Both the skunk and Dad were trying to get out of Dodge and I was blocking the path. The skunk being small and quick shot past us stopping long enough to raise it's tail and fire about 2 feet from my face. This was followed by skunk #2 who also gave us both barrels, and then skunk #3 who was a baby about 3 or 4 months old ran by spraying as it ran and stopped, ran and stopped all the way out the crawl hole. Don't let anyone tell you that baby skunks don't smell as bad. They do.

So, big tough guys with a gun got hit with the original weapon of mass destruction. We lost without firing a shot. This was bad enough in itself. But it was to be worse than that. To name the obvious, it's Saturday, we got hit by 3 skunks from 2 feet away, the weapons of mass destruction were set off UNDER the house, so everything inside burns your eyes with the oh so sweet aroma. This means clothes, furniture, bedding, food, clothes, shoes, clothes......... did I mention clothes? Not just any clothes, like Dad's and mine, but also the clothes of the two ladies of the house that will be coming home the next day, unaware, tired from the long drive. Back to school on Monday....... Panic set in.........

Luckily the wind was blowing. We opened every window and door, letting the wind blow through the house all night. That took away the burning, but nothing could take away the part of skunk smell that stays around for weeks. I don't remember exactly what happened when my Mom and Susan got home. I know it wasn't good. If I remember right, I was trying to stay scarce, and stay out of the house. I do remember we ate out a lot and did a lot of ranch work the next few weeks. School was a different story, but not as bad as I had feared. I smelled like skunk. No doubt about it. But that was a common occurrence in that part of the country. Luckily I was not alone that week. A few others had been spewed during spring break. We ate lunch together.

What did I learn from this experience?
Two things.......






Tomato Juice is a wonderful thing. I don't know how many quarts we bought that Saturday, but it was enough to fill the tub a few inches.






Stand-offs escalate. A 22 rifle is no match for weapons of mass destruction.


Have a great week, and be kind to our furry friends.
Martin

PS. No animals were harmed in writing this blog.